I Don't Remember Why I Used to do This

While I know that we have bigger fish to fry at the moment, I’m starting to wonder, does anyone actually remember how to do their makeup? The other day—while trying to make myself presentable for a video chat—I somehow got mascara on my nose.

When I told my partner about it later, he was dubious. “What’s the big deal anyway? You don’t need makeup.”

“Of course I don’t need it,” I fired back, “what do you think I’ve been doing, eating it?”

The thing is, I’ve been wearing makeup since I was a teenager—with undoubtedly mixed results. Does anyone else remember that terrible fad where we wore dark lip-liner and clear gloss?

I’ve also spent much of my adult life working in an industry where my job was at least somewhat dependent on the way I looked.

Over my years in the service industry, I’ve been expected to do a multitude of things in regards to my physical appearance. I’ve been made to sign entertainer’s contract, which means that you can be fired for gaining weight or if some horrific accident happens and disfigures you; I’ve been given costumes to parade around in, some more regrettable than others; and I’ve also been sent home for not wearing enough makeup—though the woman who told me this had enough blue eye-shadow on to last a normal person for weeks, maybe even months.

Once, in a job interview, what the boss was looking for was laid out pretty plainly for me.

“Well, you’re pretty enough,” the manager in charge of hiring said to me, “but I don’t know if you have enough personality for this job.”

I just barely managed to refrain from retorting that I had enough “personality” to know that he was calling me stupid.

Though what they thought of my intellect turned out not to matter anyway, as they did end up offering me a job, a job I’m sad to admit that I took and worked for three terrible months. My only consolation was in pretending when I left, that they were certain that I had entirely too much personality.

But right now, pretty much no one sees me unless I want them to. I don’t have to switch on my laptop camera and there’s nowhere to be, so why bother with any of it?

For the first time in my adult life, I’ve got into the habit of not wearing any makeup at all. It’s kind of terrifying to look in the mirror and see myself without that familiar covering. It’s like seeing someone you know, but can’t quite place. I’m not saying that I’m married to it, but I’m certainly not as afraid of it as I used to be either.