The Lurking Waitress

When you’ve got just one table things can get a little odd. You have to check on that table eventually, and how much is too much? If you’re coming over every few minutes to see how full their beers are they’ll think you’re lurking or trying to scare them off (I’m about 5 “9” and lanky as a mantis, there’s no way to just breeze past someone without being noticed). So what do you do to keep them from getting the feeling that Big Brother has an eye on them (shy of sitting in the office watching the camera that’s trained on their table)?

I’ve tried a number of things over the years. Most of which consisted of doing laps through my section, sometimes with a tray of empty glasses on one arm (the idea being that somewhere else in the building I have other customers, even when I don’t and you know that I don’t), but even this gets a little odd. “What is that waitress doing? This is the third time she has come past.” You know by the fourth lap (of a bar that’s the size of a tree house), that I’m obviously keeping an eye on you. I’m trying to provide good service, but it comes off as me being suspicious that you’re going to walk on your tab.

I did go a while with lunging through my section, the thought being that no one really notices waitresses and if by chance they do it’ll at least look like I’m busy doing something else. But this turned out not to be the case when I paused mid-lunge, went really low and snatched a glass from their table as they all stared, now completely silent.

In recent months I’ve decided to face this problem head on. At the end of the night, when it’s just me and one table, I bring out the cutlery that needs to be polished and sit diagonal to them, staring right in their direction, my eyes hawk-like and obvious. It’s uncomfortable to everyone, especially when I pull out the kitchen knives and begin to lovingly polish them, as if making a silent threat. But at least your beers won’t go empty. Unless you’re already done. And chances are, long before I finish the forks, you will be.

Seattle Museum of Art