12 Things You Should Never Do In a Bar:

1)      Claim that you’re a professional auctioneer and take it upon yourself to raise money in the pub for a children’s charity. Decide that you want to raffle off all of the waitresses’ panties to do this. Explain your plan to the bartender. Sum up your idea by then saying that you intend to sleep with all of said panty-less waitresses afterwards. Become irate when no one else understands your vision.

 2)      Urinate on your chair. Come back every week and continue this behavior. Continue this cycle until the bar explains that they can no longer afford to keep buying furniture in exchange for your patronage. Be heartened by the fact that they will miss your ukulele solos terribly.

 3)      Do cocaine in the washrooms. Wait until after the bouncer finds out and proceeds to spray Pam over all the surfaces to get in an argument with him over your right to do drugs in the bar.

 4)      Find out from one of the other waitresses that your favorite server is anemic and regularly gets needles as treatment. Learn to administer needles. Follow the object of your affection to her car at the end of her shift and call out to her in the dark asking whether she needs an injection.

 5)      Vomit inside the establishment and claim that because this is your bachelor party you needn’t clean up the mess.

 6)      Vomit in your handbag and pretend like nothing happened. Proceed to yell at your server about whether you do or don’t need a cab.

 7)      Vomit in your glass and stuff it full of napkins so that no one can tell. Let the server figure out what you’ve done much later when she’s pulling these napkins out of said glass.

 8)      Have sex in the washrooms, and when you get caught refuse to stop because, “We’re not doing anything wrong.”Continue what you’re doing until staff members have to physically separate you from your partner and throw you out separate exits.

 9)      Go hunting. Go to the bar in your bloody jacket and camouflage pants with a severed deer leg hiding under your jacket. Stuff the deer leg in the toilet of the men’s washroom. Assume that no one will know it was you.

 10)  Go on a first date and realize that things are progressing badly. Decide that your server is an excellent back-up plan and begin wooing her in a non-traditional way while your date sits quietly picking at your salad. Decide it is appropriate to ask about your server about pubic grooming habits and how she feels about fisting. Become enraged when you return from the washroom and realize that the waitress has taken pity on your date and put her in a cab.   

 11)  Expose your genitals.

 12)  Expose your genitals and proceed to urinate on the bar.