Actual Waitressing Resume

Name: Lets be honest here. You don’t care.

Sex: Not interested in having it with as a means of getting out of weekend shifts.

Age: Under 30

Regularly rated a solid 7 out of 10.

Excellent at dealing with difficult personalities and volatile situations. Is not afraid to clean up blood or to lie to customers about the volatility of a situation. Has an excellent memory for gang tattoos.

Will work for pretty much no money and understands the astronomical tip out rate. Will also be okay with the fact that the owner has no idea of my name.

Is not averse to working with the smell of raw sewage, mould or having a constant cold due to working conditions. Will not think it odd that her nickname is patient zero. Will not discuss conditions of the establishment with customers, as it would make them think twice about the sandwich they are about to consume.

Understands the need to give up all manner of a social life for this position. Will not complain about working every Friday, Saturday and Sunday and understands that, except in the event of giving birth to one’s own child, all days off must be booked far in advance and that sick days are for people with regular jobs.

Is opened to all manner of ridiculous work outfits. Is no stranger to wearing kilts and adhering to ridiculous dress codes (for example being sent home if one’s make-up isn’t heavy enough or their skirt isn’t short enough). Has worked in a Canadian winter in a place that had faulty and sometimes non-existent heating in a nylon mini dress.

Is no stranger to sexual harassment from customers, fellow staff, and managers. Will refrain from becoming upset when a manager suggests things like getting breast implants or losing five pounds. Does not cry in public.

Is accustomed to working for hours on end with no breaks. Understands that imaginary/unicorn breaks will be docked from paycheck.

Is able to keep secrets of a sensitive nature, such as that one of the cooks is drinking kitchen wine or that one of them has a habit of smoking crack before work. Will also turn a blind eye to the manager’s coke problem and that the manager seems to be buying it in the parking lot on shift. Possesses a moral compass but is quite capable of keeping said convictions to oneself.

Swallowing one’s pride and self-respect is negotiable.

References provided on request.